克复中原 (Conquer and recover the Central Plains)

Zhuge Liang(诸葛亮,字孔明), argubly the Greatest Chinese Military Tactician of his time, worked himself to death... Such a clever man...but dun noe how to take care of himself, isn't it ironic?

克复中原(Conquer and recover the Central Plains) was a term coined by him to name his campaign against the Northern Wei Army. Zhuge Liang overworked himself to try and achieve that all because his master, Liu Bei from the House of Han and King of West Shu-Han, entrusted Zhuge Liang with the task at his deathbed.

Though I never see the real Zhuge Liang before, whenever I watch the drama serial on TV, whenever I see the actor looking so tired, so weak so depressed and worried, I feel hundreds of emotions welling up me. Most importantly, I feel very sad.

Just before he died, it is said that he look sadly at his flag that said克服中原and asked the Heavens: 'I can never go to the war front and fight enemies again. Oh you infinite skies, what could be more sad? (悠悠苍天...劣薄于我)' With that and a tear to his face, he died at Wuzhangyuan(五丈原), Qishan,the tactically critical stronghold for his campaign that he had never really succeeded in winning.

To my opinion, it was never his fault. He didn't know. God was in His Heaven.

Sometimes I feel like I want to be like Zhuge Liang (Kongming). I will never match his intelligence and genius tactics. Even if I dun admit to this GEKL will sure say one. But I dun wan to be clever like him. I just want to work myself to death. To die with unfinished work on the table.

Lately I have been very determined to achieve a particular goal. But till now I have met with obstacles and naysayers that were worried that te goal would bring consequences. They manage to hold me back by not supplying me with the money I need. *000 dollars to be exact. The naysayers were my mom and the one person with money to lend me. First it was August delayed to December. I got a feeling my goal will not be materialising at least until next year.

But I dun want to wait until next year. When I want to do something, I want to achieve it fast. To show my determination, I told my mom they are not going to stop me anymore. If I have to work myself to death, I will achieve my aim. In their opinion it will always be a selfish wilful thing. But they will never know how important it is to me.

Loving yourself is hard. When you want yourself to be better, people will think you are being selfish. They will love you even less. That's why I want to work myself to death. To make them feel sorrie. To prove that making myself better and feel better is important to me and not just a wilful whim.

Nowadays, whenever I think about all this unhappy things, tears well up uncontrollably. You might think that I am weak or immature. But you will never understand unless you are me. Whenever I tear, I just rub away the tears and pretend that I am happy and everything is fine.

For those who have come to the end of this boring and long posting, thanks for sharing. I couldn't be more grateful...