Sad

Finished full dress rehearsal at 11.50pm

Realised everybody have someone to fetch them home or they have a car.

Left me.

Asked myself why kids nowadays so fortunate.

Where are my parents? Stand on the roadside look left look right. They are not coming....

Why my dad dont have a car.......I think he has problems getting a new fridge.

Told myself never mind. Just take the last train. Walked myself to the MRT station.

I felt like the loneliest person in the world.

Jiantong is lost in the concrete jungle of Shenton way

Not watching 'Trash' with Kunhua. Told him I also very sad......

Yes. I also very sad......

But who really can see I am not happy?

Behind the smiley face and the stupid joke and the silly expressions, who knows got a sad boy?

Sad because life couldnt be better. Sad because he has to be disappointed again and again. Sad because he thinks other people doesnt appreciate his value.

Enough is enough. This is probably the last candle to burn. After the flame goes out it will be time to say goodbye and then move on.

It is the season of sadness, yet more friends are leaving.

What could be more sad?

When We Were Young

"......小时候牵着爹的手来到宫廷就喜欢上了宫廷。虽然生为士大夫家的女儿，爹极力阻止，我还是入宫来了。但是小时候华丽的宫廷, 原来都是假相而已......." -Top Lady Zheng

Why do we become more complicated as people when we grow up?

Where is all the innocence and naivety that we had when we were young?

Why do things that seem so nice change so much?

I remember when I was young I wanted to be an adult because I felt they have so much freedom. Nobody cares about where they go and they just buy anything they want and do what they like.

When I was starting to grow up I still thought it was true. I had more and more freedom and did more and more things that I always wanted to do as a child. I felt my dream was coming true.

Yet when I really became an adult I realise that adults have very little freedom too. Just that their restrictions were not physical....

The freedom that seem to come with adulthood was actually just an illusion.

As adults we are all bounded to earn more money.

We are bounded by our work.

We have to be somewhere at some time doing something people asked us to do.

We cannot say certain things because they are inappropriate.

We cannot act a certain way because people dont like.

We cannot do some stuff because no money.

Where we were young everything was simple. No worries.... Today we bitch about friends, make enemies, scold bad words, criticise people, make use of people and do other horrible things.

Some of the things I am guilty of, no doubt. Lately I keep asking myself where has my innocence as a child gone? Why cant I keep it simple

The notion that adults are happier is only but an impression that stands when we were young. It clears to reveal grey skies when we all grow up.

I dont want to be childish. A mature way of handling things and a mature opinion is better.

But some innocence would do us good. At least I speak for myself.

The Boy and The Star

The boy asked the star:

"Can you help me remember it?"

"Remember what?"

"Remember today. 17.08.06."

17.08.06.

A Thursday.

Four friends watched a theatre production together for the last time.

Not really the last. But the last in a very very long time.

At least a year.

The boy wonders when he will watch a show with his three other friends again.

The star smiled.

"It doesnt matter when. What matters is you will"

Going Home

Today ended tuition at 11.05 pm

OMG I think that is a new late timing for me.

When I was trying to get home as fast as possible, still had to miss to buses.

In the end left me alone at the cold lonely bus-stop waiting for last bus.

I walk around for awhile, then discovered suddenly that I am actually alone. So decided to do something stupid while waiting for the bus.

Sat on one of the high benches and starting singing softly and swinging my legs. Cool wind blows.

The feeling was quite good actually. Doesnt matter my singing is not good. But I felt young again, like small little boy....

Doing innocent thing that he want to do. Dont care how people look at him. Not scared people think he crazy or not. No image to maintain. No defence to build.....

For a moment, I was the superstar of my own world, the brightest star with the world at my feet.

Slowing down was the best thing I did in the past month of rushing

Taken For Granted

I am sorry if you feel this is becoming a very whiny blog.

But who cares? If this place I cannot exert my angst and complains then why do I bother writing blog postings?

Anyway some things I tolerate for very long so now must say.....

Today two people irritated me. Quite badly too.

Both people took me for granted. Thought it is easy to brush me aside.

First of all, STOP making decisions for me. STOP assuming that I will be able to do agree to some things. STOP thinking that I can easily accept some issues just because you can or somebody else can...

No, I cant. REMEMBER? everyone is supposedly unique?

Yes I might be narrow minded or something like that, but some stuff I dont wish to compromise. Especially if I dont have to.

And after I have said my piece, STOP brushing me aside as if it is not important or I am going to be okay.

NO! Not OKAY. Is it because I laughed a lot of stuff away that's why you can not treat me seriously?

STOP taking me for granted.

Second person even worse! Or should I say there are two second persons?

What do you treat me as? Come when you wish and go when you wish?

Please I am not a DOG.

Dont ask why I must kaopeh about such small things.....

Sorry even if I am really kaopeh-ing I have a right because you take me for granted.

I rejected others to accomodate you on my timetable YET I had to incurred a heavy economic loss because of your GOD-DAMN fickleness.

Please never initiate something unless you damn sure about it.

For you, don't ever come asking for something again. You might not care about this, but it is not about you. NEVER again will i associate myself with you.

For the first person, forget it. We have been friends for so long after all..... but that doesnt mean I will be appeased anytime soon.

For everyone else, STOP taking me for granted.

For most of the time I try to care and consider about you. All my friends are the same in terms of my care and consideration given.

Thank you very much

Amazing Dad

Today is the first day that I ate at home for a very very long time.

After so many weeks of avoiding dinner at home, my dad's cooking still remains as fantastically horrific as ever.

So amazing

Name

His name is Han Zhou.

Not the first time we met .

Today then I know.......

Year 2: First Day Of School

Here I am sitting in front of computer.

1.58 am, Monday morning, 14 August 2006

It is the first day of school for me. Starting another semester. Starting another year. Year 2.

The second year at the Brainforest of Clementi.

The past academic year had been quite fun. While I studied I also had quite abit of fun around school, navigating through textbooks, photocopying stuff, doing fun projects.

Although I am anti-social person I still manage to get through the school year with project-mate strangers.

Wonder what the next academic year would be like....

Anyway my three months of holiday officially ended.

Quite quickly..... Seemed like yesterday when I just finished the last exam paper and had three months in front of me to spend.

Seriously how I manage to spend the three months I cant quite remember. I think between increasing tuition lessons, rehearsals and administration of shows my time past quickly.....

I am sure I had happy and sad times for the past three months..... though I seriously couldnt remember what happy moments I had for the three months.

When was the last time when I was actually REALLY happy?

Was it my birthday? No, not really

Was it results day? No, results were average

World Cup? No, lost alot of money on that event

Can't remember...

But I think there were more bitter times than good ones..... I swallowed quite alot of bad things....

Script lost to others, lost much money on WC, toe nail plucked out, near-car accident, handle unreasonable demands, handle reasonable demands........

The month of July is very unkind to me.

The month of August isnt getting better.....

I am just going to be damn glad when this is all over.

You Know What I Mean?

Dont read this posting if you dont like people who complain.

Dont read this post if you only looking for funny things.

Yes! hO kIaN tOnG finally ran out of funny things to say.

Why?

I am very tired.

You know how tired I am?

When you are 22 yrs old this year, how do you take criticisms that come almost every two or three days and not feel tired?

How can anyone handle an enormous workload and take scoldings and not feel tired?

I asked for it?

Supposed to have ALOT of people helping me. Supposed to have a manageable workload

In the end I do most of the things..... I take most of the cold words........ I handled most of the situations..... I tolerate most of people faces

Where did all the assistants go? How come suddenly everybody is busy with their lives except me?

Look here look there nobody.

Finally for the first time I can feel the candle burning towards its end.......

Dont want to complain anymore. There is only so much complaining can help....

I dont want advice. Dont need. Please dont give anymore

Too many people know how to give advice. When you in difficult situations people love to give advice, in stern or loving ways. People who give advice become elevated.

Who dont like to look superior?

I only need words of encouragement....

Will survive, but words of encouragement make it easier.

No matter how strong you are, after taking too many bitter pills you would want a candy after the pill.

The next time you see me, dont have to be extra nice to me.

Just dont insult me anymore.....

Stop saying I'm ugly. Stop saying I am lousy. Stop saying bad things to me, even if you dont mean it.

I might not have the strength to laugh it away again.

Yes. Laughing away bad comments about yourself takes strength.

You know what I mean?

Home

The other day on bus got 'Singapore Idol'

Saw Kit Chan went on stage to sing our all-time fav National Song 'Home'

Hearing her sing it brings back a lot of memories. From secondary school especially, when this song was released.

I still think it is the best National Song ever. Next is Tanya's "Where I Belong'

National Songs in recent years are becoming very forgettable. Who can remember how to sing that song by Rui-en and that seven-eleven guy (Taufik)? I cant even remember the title.

As for Kaira Gong's new National song, I only roughly remember it because the other day I keep hearing my sister sing it. I am sure I will forget it in a few days.

I wonder why recent National songs fail miserably to make an impact on people?

Could it be because this place feel less and less like our home? Is it still our place? Our nation? Where we belong?

Last time whenever I heard 'Home' or 'Where I Belong' I always felt emotions of love for the nation and truly moved. I felt Singapore was really a place to call my own.

But nowadays I sometimes feel Singapore is becoming more and more like a foreign land to me.

I almost thought I arrived in China when I walk around my park in evenings. In fact in alot of places I get that feeling. In Brainforest of Clementi, it felt like a China University. When in Ang Mo Kio I felt like I was in Beijing.

OMG! How come I hear such foreign Chinese spoken with such GREAT FREQUENCY in Singapore?

Why does Singapore feel like it was China? No wonder Westerners always asked which part of China we are from.

Last time when this was home, we had the real warm National Library. The Grand Dame of retro-ness.

Last time when Singapore was Singapore, we had the Drama Centre @ Fort Canning where I spend many happy times. It was small, not very advanced but it was cosy and full of familiar memories.

Last time when we were a great nation city, everywhere was clean and orderly and transport fares were still affordable. A & W was a great fast food restaurant, movies were not expensive, we knew how to do the GREAT SINGAPORE WORKOUT.

In the years to come we probably wouldnt care to have National songs. By then, National Stadium would have been gone.

God Knows how many more other familiar symbols will go.....Capitol? MPH Building? Substation? Padang? Westin Stanford? Shears Bridge?

The Song 'Home' now still evoke emotions. But they are no longer emotions of love or patriotism. It is more like feelings of Nostalgia.

Feelings of Home

National Day

National Day is our nation's birthday.

Singapore has survived one more year. How old is she this year? Lost track already.....

Last time when young this day used to be quite fun. Watched the National Day Parade enthusiastically and sung along with the national songs.

Always feel moved towards the end... Marvel at the fireworks

Now no longer fun already.

Maybe because grown up. Got better things to do. Not so Boliao.

Sure got people argue National Day Parade not boliao. But will never be able to understand why people want to watch it.....

Got people tell me must be at the place itself to understand the excitement. But I was @ National Stadium one year as a performer. Didnt feel anything special. Just momentarily mesmerised by the fireworks.

This year even National Day I was out tuitioning. Three classes in one day somemore. After that, instead of rushing home to watch NDP I played arcade.

Go home caught abit of the NDP. Still the same. Just like those NDPs I watched it as a child. I think now I understand why I dont bother watching these parades....

Meaningless to me.

But does it mean I am not patriotic? I dont love my country because I dont like NDPs?

Oh please if you really think so, either you are uneducated or you are childish.

I want to do Singapore proud by being presentable to the outside people. I am friendly to our visitors because I want them to be impressed of us. I feel proud when our own homegrown brands and people do us proud in other places.

These are truly ways to be a patriot.

Watching NDP isnt really patriotic. It only proves you have the tickets for the show.

Wonder whether the next National Day Parade will be any different?

Where will I be the next NDP?

Many

This month got many of many things.

This is the season of many.

Got many tasks for me to do. Buy props, prepare documents, prepare cirriculumn, call people, arrange for things, make props, buy more props, search for props, attend many meaningless rehearsals,attend wonderful rehearsals, entertain demanding people, entertain stupid people.

Super long list of MANY things to do. Some I feel happy doing. Some I rather kill myself

Got many demands and demanding people. Ask for this. Ask for that. Ask for impossible things. Ask for possible things. Ask for irritating things. Ask for redundant things. Some things I like to do. Some I just feel like slashing my wrists

Got many lousy things.

Got many stupid fools who think they are good and keep praising them although not worthy.

Got many question marks. Why these people think lousy things are good? Why lousy things still want so many accessories? No matter how many nice accessories lousy things means lousy things

Many unhappy things. Many angry things. Many undone tasks. Many things that waste my time.

I am in the thick of things

August is a happening month

Musing

Today I saw something on the newspaper which I think was quite extra yet amusing

Got experts comment about meeting bomb threats when travelling in other countries.

When a retired policeman or something was asked what to do when met a bomb, he said 'Run in the opposite direction of the bomb'

Quite amused because it was quite duhz lah. This kind of advice need experts come and say one meh?

Got people run in the direction of the bomb one meh?

Maybe some dumb Singaporeans or whatever.... Maybe they think take MRT to escape better because got seats and faster so they run in the direction of the bomb....

Duhz. Maybe I can be expert and they can invite me to talk to the newspapers.

My advice when met with a bomb while travelling overseas 'Please dont run. Go diffuse the bomb by cutting either the blue red or yellow wire'

Then you will be hero. A foreign hero also. Then Singapore will love and receive and worship you.

We always love anything or anyone who become successful overseas. When they are successful only in Singapore who cares?

Haha

Bouncing Back

Today is a better day. Yesterday was really a dark and difficult day. Very Fustrating.

Actually when I woke up today I am still in quite a bitter mood.

Sat on the armchair in the living room, refusing to move or do anything except watching TV. The only luxury I could afford besides Blogging and eating my fav handmade noodles.

Hardly after two hours quickly recovered from my bad mood. Starting singing a medly of my current fav songs and was practising my 'Zhang Guo Zhi' speech as well as 'Mango News' opening.

Going to be Singapore's best-loved comedian

I think life is all about bouncing back. Bad things can happen, but just bounce back in your very own ways, doesnt matter.

Like Da Chang Jin. Guess I did learn from her and Zheng Shang Gong. If not, how to survive?

Anyway tell you all something quite disgusting.

Today was on the train to rehearsals. Saw this uncle and auntie in their corner seats at the end of the train. The uncle was hugging the auntie and the auntie was pretending to push him away. I think she was playing hard to get. Plus, her act-cute face tells me she is playing hard to get...

Aiyoh, so old already please grow up and act your age. So disgusting

Haha

Scolded

Do unto others what you want others to do to you.

Thats what they say when they want you to be nice and good.

How come dont apply to me?

Last time when I was superior and others my subordinates, I never scold them even if I was unhappy.

Just kept my voice level and use a very indirect way to get my point across.

Now working under others will get scolded.

Over and over again.

Not scolded lah. Reprimanded, to be more accurate. Nowadays accuracy is the key word.

Sometimes not accurate. So get scolded. You do it sometimes. People will think it is always.

You always do this. Always this happens. Always wrong.

This wrong scold. That wrong scold. Never do anything still scold - 'How come never do anything about this?'

People not respectful get scolded. Full of respect for people still get scolded.

NO! Not abit of tolerance. You do anything wrong and WILL roll you over with a verbal steamroller.

Not doing my best will get scolded. Doing my best still get scolded. Not good enough.

Got people ever get scolded to death or not huh?

No, not going to cry. Made the mistake once and not going to do it again. Crying is weak in real life. You can cry about a show, but please dont cry in real situations. Crying reserved for weak people who got no other way out.

Damn sad Damn angry Damn sick Damn down Damn scared Damn mixed emotions.....

Damn tired

Tong Soi (Desserts)

Yesterday was supposed to go tuition.

But halfway BS beg me to watch "Homesick' by Wild Rice. Got half priced tickets

So arranged to have lesson another day. Now got three lessons on Friday and three more on Sat. (Faints)

Okay, enough complaining.

Anyway the show was not bad. Script written by Alfian Sa'at. Angst is his trademark and continues to be. As usual, the script contains very brainy (academic) layerings.

I think the thing worth learning from this show is how to layer your scripts properly and also properly conceal what you want to say.

The bad thing is asthetic unity. Some parts are fragmented and irrelevant. Still can condense somemore.

BS, I answer your question liao. Who ask you want to rush last train yesterday?

After the show we went to a very nice place for supper called 'Tong Soi' or desserts in Cantonese

The interior deco of the place is like fantastic lah. Very beautiful and retro. The food is quite nice. But quite cheap leh.

No pictures because got no camera.

You think I some famous small fry 93.3 DJ meh?

If anyone want to see what the restaurant is like, just go there and see for yourself. On Liang Seah Street.

Off to three lessons tomorrow.

Yahoo!

Julian Hee

I want to say something.

Julian Hee really really REALLY cannot ACT.

Yesterday had early tuition and so arrived home early.

Sat down to watch a new show 'Love @ 0 degrees' Got Julian Hee, Michelle Saram, Rui-en and Alvin-dont know his surname.

Michelle Saram still cannot act but when she is not acting cute she is less irritating. But can dont let her act or not huh? Still an eye sore.

The Alvin-dont know what and Rui-en are like the best in the show out of all the new people. But hor still can improve. And Rui-en should stop acting all these headstrong stubborn modern girl characters.

Wah-LUH the worst of them all is Julian Hee. He REALLY REALLY REALLY cannot act. He only know how to carry his emotions on his face. Smile cutely when happy. Frown when sad. Smile when surprised. Frown when worried. Smile brightly when talking normally. Frown and crumple like you want to cry when bad thing happen.

Extremely limited range of facial expressions and not convincing AT ALL!

Seriously which new Mediacorp people can act nowadays?

Cannot think of any really really good ones. Bryan Wong (Wang Yanli)? Nah, forget it. Qi Yuwu loh. But not getting any younger. No wonder they had to get Zhang zhenxiang to fill in roles. But seriously he is quite good at it.

Better than Julian Hee.

Lucky he is extremely good looking and not so stiff otherwise will get kicked out like Benedict Goh like that.

Can we have a dynamic personality please?

Patricia Mok is my favorite I guess.

What They Do Huh?

Aiyoh these few days really busy.

Saturday was a mad mad rush from place to place consecutively until 10pm at night

Sunday was better. At least got time to go play mahjong. But lost 30 dollars because played with 2 people from a cheating syndicate.

Here must remind people when play mahjong choose your kaki properly. Dont play with conman, unless you are a very good conman yourself.

Training to be a good conman. Haha just joking only okay.

Everyday while rush in rush out of my neighbourhood, I see alot of students walking around while they are supposed to be in school.

Mostly from one special group. You all know which group of people I am talking about right? That group lah. Walk around looking for trouble or making trouble out of nothing.

Somemore they dont just walk around. They sit at void decks, litter the place, play cards and gamble. Sometimes I see them at shopping centre or bus interchange sitting around doing nothing, looking around at everybody rush by chatting.

If they dont study in school, what they do huh?

Then next time need money what they do huh?

Very curious and sympathetic that they are going to have not a very easy life later on.

Or maybe their life will still be easy. They dont ask for very much, as long as can eat KFC and got place to sleep and got small trouble to make, then no need to make too much money either.

Maybe like that can live longer